I choose to surrender...

"Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces..."

I'm here doing my same old pledge again. To fall in love no more. Not to do something that drives me insane. Of something that makes me dream of the impossible and crazy.

He was crazy after all. So am I. Just the thought of falling in love with him drives me insane. Though it's the kind of madness that makes me feel good.

"...Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one..."

But then reality sinks in. You know that it's just a fleeting moment. He just passed by to say "Hi.", stayed for ten minutes to talk, then left me there, alone again. I wished he could have stayed longer, if not forever. I just wish that I could be everything he ever wanted. Too late. He's gone for good.

"...Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry..."

It was my fault after all. I allowed myself to fall for his craziness. The little crazy things that he do, that makes me laugh and cry at the same time. The little things, that meant everything to me.

"...I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life..."

Now, everyday is a struggle to get over him. To erase all my memories of him. The conversations. His words. His laughter. His smile. Yes, for me his smile was beautiful. He never knew that. And he will never know.

"...Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside..."

I won't be there for him, no more. Or else choose to hurt myself more. So I choose now. Lest die every single minute that I'm with him.

I choose to live.

"...No I don’t cry
On the outside anymore."

"Accepting that God has a purpose for us means that we must trust that he will provide all we need to complete his assignment. Our perspective must be that no matter what the task at hand, God will provide the strength and resources to finish well. Walking and working with God is like having a personal navigation system that keeps us going in the right direction. God knows where he wants us to go and how he wants us to get there. Our responsibility is simply to show up and say, "Hi, God, I've shown up for work today. How can I serve you? What would you like me to do next? What path have you laid out for me to follow? What resources, strengths, and relationships have you prepared for me?" " **

As my "hibernation" drew to a close, I finally admitted to myself that I cannot control everything that has been happening in my life. There is someone more powerful than me, who has control over it. The only power that I have, is to change my perspective.

I've always wanted to be independent. I thought that independence is learning how to depend on myself and no one else. I thought that independence equates to freedom and happiness. But as I go on with my life trying to be independent (as I thought so), I started to feel more depressed each and every day. I would feel so sad when I am faced with a problem, that I don't even want to go to work or even get up from bed at all. I feel so helpless because I cannot do anything to solve my problems.

I know that I have a problem but I don't know how to fix it. I've read different books and articles trying to search for answers. Trying to find a solution. But the more that I do so, the more that I went farther away from resolving it. I became more desperate and more depressed. Eventually, my "hibernation" paved the way to sulk myself to depresssion.

So, the time came when I cried and I just gave up.

There are actually two ways of giving up. Either you put an end to it through the "easy way" or the not-so-easy way. It's easy to have thoughts on doing the "easy way". There are various alternatives that you can choose from. You can jump from the 52nd floor of a building and end up dying with a distorted body and face. But if you are afraid of heights or you want to still look pretty in your grave, then you can opt to either slash your wrist or hang yourself from the ceiling (that is, if the ceiling is strong enough to hold your weight). But come to think of it, doing it is not really easy (it's even messy!).

So, I end up choosing the not-so-easy way. I choose to surrender my problems to the Lord. Somehow, the burden that I used to carry became lighter. But as I said, it's not easy, because first of all, I don't even know how to surrender. But it all became clear to me as I took time to know Him better.

I finally realized that I cannot solve my problems on my own. God is there to help me. I just need to do whatever I can on my part, and God will do the rest.

"Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:30 MSG)

**Taken from the article "What's your perspective: Get through life or magnify the Lord with your life?" by Katie Brazelton, April 17, 2006, www.purposedrivenlife.com

Everything is a blur now, and I just fell right back into pieces. This is definitely one of the saddest days of my life. This is the day when the truth sinked in - things will never be the same as it was.

My friend, I don't want to lose you but I think I just did. We haven't talked since the other day. I saw you but I didn't have the guts to even approach you, as what I used to do before. It felt awkward. My mind told me that I should act as if everything is still normal, but my emotions has taken over me.

I'm a little girl once again. Asking for directions; for the do's and the dont's; and for the what if's. And everyone has something good to say. But my mind cannot seem to grasp even a minuscule detail of what they told me to do. In situations like this, my stupidity really shows.

I need some time to think. I'm giving myself one whole month for this. I will let go of that one thing that I loved and enjoyed doing the most - keeping in touch and communicating with people even through the use of my blog and the instant messenger. I'm also thinking of turning off my cellphone, unless I'll be using it for emergency purposes. Though if you really have something important to tell me, you can still send me an email or call me by landline.

No close encounters of the human kind for the meantime. I am putting myself to solitary confinement. I know that you might find it weird, but I guess I just really need some space.

"Enlighten me Lord, teach me to trust in you with my whole heart."
(taken from Didache)

This will be my last post for now.
Just wake me up and give me a buzz, as soon as April starts.

P.S.
Just want to say thanks to all my friends (alam niyo na kung sino-sino kayo), for being there to cheer me up and give me some really sound advice. 'Di ko kakalimutan ang mga advice ninyo. I'll try my best to put them all into action. Thanks most of all for the company. Sensya na sa ka-dramahan ko... Bawi na lang ako sa April. Hehe!

I got this text message from a friend last Saturday evening:

"From Bishop Deo of Leyte: Right this minute, a whole populated town in Leyte is covered with soil after a huge landslide occured. Families, school children are trapped underneath. I'm praying for a miracle for the LORD to help them. Please help me pray. Please pass this around to friends & relatives who can help us pray."

Kanina after ko magbayad ng bills, dumaan ako sa National Bookstore. Nagbasa nang ilang pages ng bagong book ni Bob Ong - "Stainless Longganisa" - at medyo nahirapang magpigil nang tawa. Kinapa ang bulsa at nalaman na may natitira pa kong 20 pesos. Bumili nang 18 pesos na Inquirer newspaper at binigay ang sukling 2 pesos sa katabing pulubi nang nagtitindang ale.

Ito ang headline sa dyaryo:

"Faint sign of life in buried school - Rescuers hear scratching, raise hopes for over 200 pupils"*

Katabi nito ang litrato nang isang titser na may hawak na cellphone. Ito ang nakalagay sa caption:

"Forwarded text message from the rubble: "Ma'am, we are still under the school. Please help us, ma'am. This is Edilio Coquilla. Please ma'am."

Halos mapaiyak ako nung nabasa ko 'yun. Nung binasa ko mabuti yung article, nalaman ko na na-receive 'yun nung principal ng school mga 1pm noong Sabado, which is a day after mangyari yung landslide. Pinabasa ko agad 'yun sa tatay ko pag-uwi ko, pero medyo nagtaka siya kung paano nakaabot ang signal ng cellphone nung bata na nag-text, kung 30 meters sila nakabaon sa lupa. Hindi ko nasagot. Naisip ko, miracle lang ang pwedeng makagawa nun. At miracle lang din ang ipinapanalangin nang lahat para maka-survive ang mga tao na hanggang ngayon ay nakabaon pa rin sa lupa.

Ipanalangin natin sila.

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Maituturing kong "Yellow Day" ang nakaraang Sabado. Pre-EDSA 1 commemoration day. Dahil kahit saan ka tumingin eh may isang tao na nakasuot ng yellow na damit. At isa na ako doon.

Noong Sabado rin na yun, nagkita-kita kami nila Tonet, Dorae, Baints at Dennis. Nilibot ang Shangri La (na parang naging exercise namin ni Dorae, habang hinihintay ang iba naming kasama), tumingin nang konting exhibit, nag-kwentuhan, nagtawanan, kumain, naglaro ng bowling (ayoko nang-i-elaborate pa dahil baka may maalala... at alam kong may maaalala talaga *ehem*... basta nanalo kaming "Yellow" Team - alam mo na siguro kung bakit yellow ang pangalan ng team namin, no need for further explanation - dahil astig-in pala maglaro ng bowling ang pakner kong si Baints. Ang naging role ko lang ay magpatawa. Hahaha!), at nag-kwentuhan, nagtawanan at nagkulitan uli hanggang matapos ang munting gathering.

Hanggang sa muling pagtitipon, mga kakosa...

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Nagulat ako pag login ko sa tabulas kaninang mga 3pm. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron sa topic na "Drinking water guards" pero 14 out of the 20 recently updated Tabulas accounts ay halos ganun ang topic. Sobrang na-weirdohan ako sa totoo lang. At lalo akong na-weirdohan nung tinignan ko isa-isa ung blog nila. Pare-pareho sila ng 5 most recent posts - merong tungkol sa treadmill, sa blood pressure at sa blogging. Nakaka-windang.

Eto pala yung ilan sa kanila, see for yourself:
stalkerrage, freezerman, illuminatiii, sollozo, angelonfire, lethalstroke, fairbloke, hellraiser, robincharm, scaler, exterminator

Feeling ko tuloy, at eto ay feeling lang naman, hindi kaya virus yun? Ang weird eh. Naisip ko rin na may isang taong walang magawa sa buhay na may 20 separate accounts sa tabulas na pare-pareho ng laman at design. Pero wala nga namang masama dun. Nasa kanya-kanyang trip lang yan. Inaamin ko naman, isa rin ako sa mga taong minsan eh wala ring magawa sa buhay kung hindi, mag-post sa blog at magbasa ng blog ng iba.

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*by Volt Contreras, Vicente Labro and Jani Arnaiz (PDI Visayas Bureau)

The Johari Window was invented by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. By describing yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then asking your friends and colleagues to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Ang aking Johari Window, pakisagutan po! Trip trip lang... hehe!

Got that originally from marc, monti and mabel!

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Just got this from my email...

A Nice Article about Love
by Swami Vivekananda

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this:

"You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it:
As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love... they try to posses it, they demand, they expect...
and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you.

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand.

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring.

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Something to always remember...

"Whenever God wants to give us a gift, he wraps it up in a problem."
The bigger the gift you have coming, the bigger the problem you will receive. But the wonderful thing is that if you look for the gift, you will always find it.

~Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

Got that from Marthachic's blog!